Deep Thoughts

When did I put up such a wall around all my fire and passion...like a firewall, except not. It's like I don't let myself feel anything anymore unless it's fun! happy! or else I just shut down. I think I've become shallow. When did that happen. How did that happen.

It's just easier to be happy, or to pretend to be. Force myself to be. Happy or righteous anger on behalf of someone else, all I'm really comfortable with. Happy is a...fake word, anyway. It doesn't exist. I just don't like looking at myself any deeper than if I want a Hello Kitty or Chococat pencil. Which is the existence of a five-year-old, I realize. Actually a five-year-old has more difficult decisions to make.

So I need to start looking deeper, even if it's at all that scary stuff I've been avoiding for...oh, my entire life. But if there's one thing I've learned, you can't run away from things. Especially if the thing is yourself. So time to start sucking it up. The way to get over fears is face them.

Wow, I feel all deep and accomplished. Go me.